Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
You Might Also Like
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?