I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
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She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
the only organized thing in my life is crime