beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
You Might Also Like
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
No, I don’t think I will.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.