There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
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My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.