Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.