HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
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If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
BRO LMFAO
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this