If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
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My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
*struts into the new year
~ trips
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.