Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
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The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?