Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
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Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date