Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
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Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
wtf management?!
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that