FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
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I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know