Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
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Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I think this cat is broken
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now