2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
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Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
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Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone