SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
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They’re not wrong
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
The three genders.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank