“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
You Might Also Like
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.