Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
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My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.