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*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Well, that didn’t work.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.