I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
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Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*