Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
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I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
the rocks need my help
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
How do dragons blow out candles?
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.