Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
You Might Also Like
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
How dramatic are you?