If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
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[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.