I’m a carb girl, born and bread
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Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
This is I, Robot all over again
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad