pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
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Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!