It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
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my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
necessity is the mother of invention
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.