the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
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So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.