Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
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[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.