If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
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“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
ugh not again
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it