[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Reporter: *ports again*
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)