bro what is going on at twitter
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me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
🤣could you imagine
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops