After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?