When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
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Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.