there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
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can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
pat pat
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
no their not
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.