I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
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My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3