Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
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My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.