I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
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EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.