Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
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Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.