5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
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Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Ain’t no way