My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
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my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended