“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
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I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
how to exercise your calf muscles
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Think I pulled my liver
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all