Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
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[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
your elf on the shelf was delicious
With this onion ring, I thee fed
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice