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I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
*seductively corrects your posture*
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?