power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
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Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags