I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
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Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.