Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
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The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*