I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
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and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
The government even made aliens boring
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs