If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
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Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire