Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
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He is just living hist best little life 😊
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Watson was Holmes schooled
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.