Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
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Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.