Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
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Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that