I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
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Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”